Boating trips to Bear Lake are a tradition that I hope to make last forever. Our family is getting bigger and bigger which makes vacations that much more of a treat. Being able to spend so much time with everyone all together was a huge blessing. These three nieces of mine are hard to share with everyone else. I love Bear Lake, boating, and my crazy cool family. They are my number 1s.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
I have a ton that I want to say and I have no clue how to say it. This is probably going to be the longest blog post ever. Buckle up.
For the past 6 years I've been in a relationship with someone named Ed. It's not your typical relationship. I'm pretty sure daing in Provo sucks because I'm too busy dating this guy. Have you ever been forced to be with someone 24/7 that you really don't get along with? Maybe a mission companion that argues non-stop? Someone that is tagging along on a trip (houseboats can be killer)? Maybe even just the other girl on a double date?
Nobody likes being around those people. That's how I think of Ed. He's that missionary companion that won't leave. He's the boyfriend that bosses me around. I'll break up with him for a month or so, then he'll come back even bossier than the first time. It's his way or a whole day of guilt trips and arguing. Obeying him is the easiest way to avoid the drama. I'm a people pleaser. I tend to try to please Ed first. That's the way it's been for about the past 6 years and that's how I fear it's always going to be. I'm terrified that Ed will always be there. Letting me know what he thinks is best.
Ed doesn't like it when I skip my workouts. He hates when I eat late at night. The guilt trips never stop when I eat something that he doesn't approve of. He doesn't like my body shape. His biggest talent is letting me know that he doesn't approve. The impossible task of keeping him happy is literally killing me. I kept Ed a secret for a long time. In my mind, he was helping me to become better. He was/is the most important voice and opinion.
I know Ed's not good for me. I know he's a bully. Everyone tells me to break up with him. To get over him. Why do I let him boss me around? Why can't I just move on?
Are you confused yet? Ed is my eating disorder. He's been in my head since I was 15. It's hard to remember life without Ed telling me what to do. I've broken up with Ed many times. This time he's come back louder than ever. He tells me that I'm weak and that I don't deserve to be normal. Almost every minute of the day I'm having a conversation in my head with Ed. He's telling me that my workout wasn't long enough, the girl next to me is prettier, I am a failure, or that I'm the ugly duckling in the pictures. He tells me that my family won't understand so what's the point of telling them? That my roommates are too busy to care. That my nutritionist has no clue what she is talking about.
You can imagine how this relationship would be exhausting. How do I break up with this Ed guy? That's the ultimate question. There is a book that is being passed around my family. It's called "Life without Ed". Ed hates the book. It makes us feel like everyone is reading my journal. It makes Ed scream at me even louder. My anxiety is through the roof. The only thing that makes him more mad is when I read the book. He REALLY hates when I do that.
My mom read the book first. Suddenly she understood so many things that I didn't know how to explain. Suddenly she was signed up for my army. A little bit of the weight was lifted. Next was Sarah, she no longer sees that I can just get over this relationship with Ed. Another weight gone. All day long I've been getting texts from my sisters letting me know they are on a waiting list to read the book next. They are in line to join my army. I'm figuring out that people really do want to understand and help. They just have no clue how. My army is getting bigger and bigger. All I have to do is ask for help.
My mission president's wife is a very special person to me. Yesterday, I was able to talk to her on the phone for 1 hour and 8 minutes. She reminded me that the person who I WAS as a missionary wasn't Sister Barton. It was Carly Barton with a name tag. On my mission I was still a people pleaser. The only difference was- Everyone that I was trying to please (the ward members, my companion, the Lord, my mission president, my district leader) just wanted me to be the best missionary I could be. Now that I'm home, I have a lot more shoes to fill. I have to be a family history co-chair, a nanny, a student, a daughter, a sister, a roommate, a missionary, an aunt, a fun date, a good friend. All of a sudden I'm trying to be everything all at once and it's not working. I'm trying to do it all perfectly on my own. That's what Ed wants me to do. He want me to look like I have it all figured out and do it with a fresh coat of lipstick and a six pack.
I'm done doing this on my own. That's my first little rebellion against Ed. I'm building an army and taking charge. No more messing around. No more keeping secrets. Anyone wanna join? It's open enrollment at this point.
|I know it looks like we were all happy and giggles. Literally I was getting ready to freak out. I've never felt so sick to my stomach until I realized what I came to Logan for was actually going to happen.|
|Another big step down. Thank you Kalli and the city of Logan for helping it happen. I really hope this wasn't completely illegal.|